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A Conundrum

So say you met someone…. Thinks like you, likes the same things you do, has good taste and interesting ideas about many things….

Something like this usually starts:

It was a sunny day. Crisp ,but sunny… Nah

It was a crisp yet sunny day with feathered clouds occasionally passing by in downtown NY. The parking lot was just half full with cars and people coming in and out of stores that lined the retail park. Funny, a week before christmas and everyone was still as relaxed and lazy as a crazy, hazy day in summer.  But there was a sense of something festive and almost beautiful in the air. People sitting, chatting and laughing the day away in a nearby Park Cafe. With slightly steamed windows it was almost perfect picture of inviting smells and festive atmosphere, calling out and beckoning to me. 

I walk by quickly with a sense of purpose and Linkin Park tune in my earpiece. “Walk like a badass” was the name of the playlist on Spotify. I love it on days when I feel the need for a little boost. Funnily I stop top change the tracks to Michael Buble – White Christmas.  I walk up to the doors of Computer Palace Central and the doors slide open, warm air hitting my cheeks as the motion swings back the hair out of my face.  I walk in and start looking around. With a single purchase in mind i make my way through endless rows of gadgets and mousepads, keyboards and storage solutions finally hitting the mark! Laptops. Only problem is….  there  is a lot of them!  So I make my way reading through the spec’s on each. Every single one boasts of better and more effective solutions than the other. I have something in mind and only 3 measure close to what is needed. Finally, being the aficionado that i am, I give up and start looking for someone to help.  As i ask a nearby non descript and hunched salesman, we shall call him “Pete”, I hear footsteps approaching and Pete motions towards them. “John will help you”. As I turn, earpiece still in my ear, I am greeted by a warm infectious smile and sky blue eyes.

“Hello Madam. How can I help you?”

At this point I’m still looking at the blue eyes and, while I rant off exactly what I need in a laptop for my mother’s Christmas present, I can’t help, but think: “How You doin’?” I can hear myself talk, but i can’t exactly think too well.  All I know is, here stands a tall sallow skinned, blue eyed, warm and beautiful specimen of a man with no ring on his finger and, the air of knowledge and authority about him. The combination sends me reeling into the state of arousal and instant need.  What just happened? Did I just go nuts and left my brain in the backseat of my silver LeSade?! My blood pressure sky rocketed and suddenly I feel the heat in my cheeks when I realised, I haven’t heard a single word he said! Just at that moment he turns and looks at me with an expression of question. Did i miss it? Just then my brain kicked into gear: 

“The particular laptop is a gift for my mother, it needs to have a numerical keypad on the left side. It also needs to be powerful enough to perform quickly and without crashing from overload. More than 2 or 4 RAM’s preferably and with a decent processor.”
How the hell?! I couldn’t think clearly and yet there’s still coherent sentences coming out of my mouth that seemed to hit the nail on the head! “Thank you lord” I think to myself.

John nods with those beautiful eyes looking like they have an answer to every question I have. “I may have something that would be perfect, but it’s a little on the higher price, if you’d like to take a look at it?”. He proceeds to informatively tell me all about the spec of the machine and it’s usefulness. At this point I’m willing to buy anything he offers… and queue the response: “I’ll take it!”

John nods and then proceeds to sit me down in front of a computer on the floor.  He types in the numbers and “I’m afraid we don’t have one in stock at the store but there is one in New Jersey. I could perhaps get it here for friday?”. Friday… I can’t come back on Friday I need it by tomorrow…. “Is there anyway that you could perhaps get a courier over with it for tomorrow morning, I’ll pay whatever the bill is for it?”

John looked at me and said – “Let me see what I can do.” He takes out his phone and proceeds to ring someone while walking a short distance. During the call I do yet another once over on him. Perfection – I would hazard a guess late 30’s and cheeky disposition. Time to find out if I’m right!

John end’s the conversation and comes back with a smile-“I’ll have it here for you in the morning”. I respond with “I love you! That’s brilliant, but will you be here in the morning?”

He smiles while typing in the computer “I will be, but careful now or I’ll get much too bold”.

“Fine by me. They do say don’t dish it unless you can take it.” I reply with a sassy smile!

At this point I noticed colour in his cheeks. Gotcha! I still have it.

The rest of the conversation is rather a blur as I try to keep my hormones and wandering eyes with a verbal diarrhoea in check!

He punches the numbers in and I present the card. Several keystrokes later I have it all arranged and in the bag so to speak. Antivirus and Office package with cloud storage and a special backpack for storage. All documentation inside. I leave the Palace and can’t help, but smile as I think of those eyes.

The Serious Bit · Uncategorized

So Far….

So… a long time since I’ve written anything.

I suppose like anyone else i could say “life happened” and “oh well” but, in reality it was simply hard to find the words to put to a single story… so much happened in such a short time.

So I suppose the best thing would be to start from the very beginning.

So as a person I am known to be rather strong, very stubborn and extremely independent.  I don’t like it when people tell me what to do because well, I got to this stage just fine on my own thank you very much!  I like my freedom and I am NOT made out of FINE GLASS. But everyone had an opinion and everyone decided to impose it upon yours truly. Not share it or offer it like most people do, oh no IMPOSE it upon you so they will!

And over a year ago it just so happened that i met a person. A really nice person with whom I instantly clicked and we became the best of friends. Or so I thought….

Turns out this person while loved our friendship – somehow loved a married man much more than our friendship. Normally you would advise a friend like that not to entertain such thoughts…. Only here’s the thing;

Said friend had her eye on my father.  Of which i was certainly not aware of.  Had i been aware if this friendship would’ve been immediately terminated.  However a few people did notice this and passed a remark or two to my mother who had a discreet conversation with my father to be careful.  Do you think the man paid attention to it? Nope.

He dismissed it with a light wave of the hand “nonsense!” he said.  And subsequently has progressed to perhaps fall in like with my friend (at this point we became best friends because yours truly was completely blind). Fast forward a month.  Early morning and father has not yet returned from work. Mother goes for a trip to find father and conveniently the bastard is having fun with “his daughters best friend”.  Queue an early morning call from mother dearest to her daughter with a brief explanation of why she should get out of bed and come see her “best friend and father” together.

Honestly, I was in shock. I dressed quickly and got into my car. Arrived at the destination and had no idea what i was going to find or see. Nor how would i honestly react.  I was proud of myself that day. I didn’t scream, I didn’t kill either of them nor did i hit anything. The most hurtful thing was, the pure and raw devastation in my Mothers eyes keenly hidden by a stone cold face.  26 years of marriage down the drain for a “fat ass” as she so elegantly put. And having once trusted someone enough to let them closer than anyone else- I have lost my faith in people, I have buried my father and my best friend in the space of 30 seconds. And for almost 6 months I had to keep a close eye on everything and everyone especially my mother.

On that day she almost lost all sense of self and most importantly sense of why she was even there.  And thus i became a therapist and a minder and everything else that was needed. In turn burying all of my feelings deep inside and hoping to fall asleep each night with at least a bottle of fine wine.

I suppose the most disappointing  thing was not that a friend betrayed me or that my father was an idiot who destroyed his own family. It was his lack of follow through.

He swore he loved my mother yet, he didn’t grovel nor asked for forgiveness continually.  In fact his promise lasted all of 3 weeks and then in his own words: ” I will not be your doormat and i will not do these things because i don’t feel like doing them”.  That should’ve been a hint wouldn’t you think?  But…. he yet again renewed his promise, to me this time round.  To do everything it takes to be a better human being and get his family back. That took a week. He broke his promises easier than he even made them.  So how is anyone supposed to trust a man’s word when he won’t even stand by it.

Queue anger.  I was angry. so very angry yet i kept it bottled.  He continuously insulted me and treated me like it was my fault. Took out his frustrations on me and threatened me.  It is really funny though.  It wasn’t my D**K doing the deed! I was angry because he kept blaming everything and everyone else but, himself.  He broke his promises and just went back to living in his own little made up world where he is the hero and we’re the backstage support.  Funnily though i had to look back on the six months previous to the “dirty deed” he blamed mom for their relationship not working. He blamed me for always taking sides. He told my mother “that they will have to see how it all goes and decide if they will stay together” however he stood back and did nothing while she tried in earnest and it was painful to see. My idol and someone who raised me to have a titanium strength backbone with the balls of steel. Was trying in earnest her very best to please a narcissistic bastard.  Then came his turn to do something and he did not.  He gave up and went back to be the good old asshole he always was.  And what angers me the most is his continuous criticism of others when he himself is the one that should look within himself first if he ever expects change.

Thus slowly with that in mind I talked my mother into getting help. Tell your doctor or someone who can give you the right tools. It took an age to convince her that what he did is absolutely no reflection on who she is!  She stayed faithful for 26 years and did her very best to keep the bastard happy and somehow he tells her its her fault!  After a few months she finally agreed. Told her doctor who immediately assessed her for depression and recommended an excellent therapist. Medication came first and therapy came later.  Mom started to get better.  I got worse. The moment she said “I’m better now” was the same moment i lost the inner battle. I couldn’t keep the gates shut. I didn’t grieve my loss. I didn’t think of how it affected me and my own relationship.  All I did was keep it all down and try to fix a marriage that wasn’t mine to fix.

And all of a sudden it all stopped!  I couldn’t keep it in. I wanted to cry all the time, I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t function like a normal human being.  I ran on empty for so long that the fuel pump gave up and so did I.  “Your daughter is the most amazing selfless human being I have ever encountered. She sacrificed herself so she could save you”  words my doctor said to my mother. I didn’t think i deserved such accolade. She’s my mom. She’s the reason I’m alive and it was the least i could do.  Nevertheless I plunged into deep depression and started medication myself.   Sleep was still nowhere to be found and I slowly started going insane. Queue sleeping medication and dark abyss of nothingness became my temporary escape, albeit with rather not so pleasant side effects. grogginess wasn’t fun and copious amounts of coffee didn’t do my stomach lining any favors nor to my kidneys for that matter.  Life was still a huge stressful ball and so was work.

And then there’s my personal relationship. My significant other at the time was trying to be supportive but he was also going through his problems. So i did my best to support him too while shouldering , what seemed like the worlds weight, on my own.  Our sex life was almost non existent and whenever something did happen it was not about me but rather all about him.  So I grew less and less happy and confident with myself and him.  I though i was no longer attractive and that I was not enough.  When finally I confided in him how I felt I got very little in response, “sorry” was in there somewhere and “I feel responsible”. Truth is he was. But then so was I.  I allowed it to happen.

Two weeks later he calls up to my workplace, on Friday, 2 hours before I am due to start my shift. And before a very busy weekend. just as I am getting ready to kick off the evening he tells me that he “couldn’t wait as it weighed on his mind too much” and “if there’s anyone who can handle it and pull though, it’s YOU”.  Yeah way to go darling!  Kick a dog while it’s down.  At the time when I needed him the most to actually support me maybe.  He left me.  And that made me bitter and angry.

The only thing that kept going through my mind was that I did my best to be there for him when it was hard and difficult.  And he just left when i needed someone to be there and just hug me and tell me it will all be OK.  So I did the next best thing. I proceeded to sleep with 3 different guys for the next 3 weeks. I had no feelings, but i needed to finally feel pleasure after getting none. To be taken care of at least for a few hours.  And to have someone hold me just for a while. After that I found someone to satisfy my needs and provide companionship. We still talk and I consider him a true friend.  But to make things even worse i had to continue seeing my ex on a weekly basis on account that we work together.

I didn’t mind.  I did what i had to do and i got through everything i had to. I proceeded to improve physically and emotionally and became a little happier with each day that i made progress.  somehow to my ex that translated in some form of attractiveness and it all got very confusing. I found myself back on breakfasts and lunches and whatnot. Then he proposed we should be bed buddies…. dump me, shit on me and then pick me back up like a slipper you forgot.  That’s how i felt! But somehow i went with it! Then came the realization that I can’t be back in the same relationship i was in before!  I spent most of my adult life with someone and just when i became so so happy being on my own… I was back with someone!!! It’s like a nightmare you cannot wake up from!

Somehow I distanced myself and managed to come up for air.  I realized that i will no longer be someone that can entertain a possessive relationship because well, i dealt with those issues with my shrink.  I was not going to do things that made me unhappy and i sure as hell was not going to be quiet about it. Queue anger…. Again! I became snappy as hell and frustrated to boot. Then I realized its all my own fault and hence forthwith comes the feeling of foolishness.

How could i fall for someone so deeply and give away so much only to have the same thing happen to me … AGAIN!

It’s one thing when you have a few burns in life and have trepidation combined with cynicism.  It’s another when you keep reliving the same nightmare time and time again with a little less of you coming back each time.

And thus is my story so far. I have changed over the last year. More than i ever thought possible. And that brought on the new understanding of what is really important.  And that is to be happy with yourself first for only then can you be happy with someone.

 

Stay tuned for the next one. I promise it’s gonna be a jolly one 😉

 

Uncategorized

Things that pop out your head when you’re about to go to “la-la land” on zipro!

Perpetual sleeplessness is also called insomnia!
We- (meaning me) – fight the said problem with the following:
1.Yoga
2.Meditation
3.Sex
4.Peppermint Tea
5. More Sex
6. More Tea
7. More meditation and yoga
8. Realize that none of the above work and “I’m no Contortionist”!!
9. Walk around like a decrepit old maid and unable to bend
10. Realize I need to exercise and do yoga to fix the #9!
11. Perpetually thinking about sex
12. Counting Sheep!
13. Last Resort – Coleridge!
14. Write Poetic Porn and realize that it is completely counter-productive because it makes me horny which in turn makes me restless!
All of the above having been exhausted I was given a magical medicament called Zipro!
And while on said medication the things that come out of ones head right before one goes to sleep are as follows:
A true account of madness!
In times of adversity, we face an inane fear.
Change – like unexpected waves of motion.
He said not to care too deeply and
That is oh so easy!
I spent so long giving! Every minute, Every day
Every hour, Every week
It is time for selfishness and want, and need.
In the exuberance I got injured but,
In said exuberance I found freedom.
He’s wrong. I do not think I’m beautiful.
But I am one of a kind.
I am the one and only, trapped in lonely ,
weaving, ceaseless caves of ice.
Of never-ending turmoil and disdain,
For nonchalant, uncaring, ignorance.
My thoughts now forming….and ice,
the cold, cold ice still, ever growing.
I must thread carefully for he is so addictive.
The pleasure wrought upon my body and my soul.
He has no equal in provision, nor in consequence.
The pleasure seething…. seeping through the caves of ice.
As a crashing wave from within the waterfall
I crash into those caves of ice.
Uncategorized

Breakups

Breakups are great! Although I’m not sure everyone will agree with me on that note, seeing as how some may be seriously damaged and heartbroken…. I feel for you, I really do!

Personally I’m not much for breakups either to be honest. Don’t care for them at all!  But they are quite useful sometimes. Some of you might say, as useful as a splinter under your nail!

At a certain point in any relationship, we get so used to the idea that it has to go a certain way that, we actually forget to live said relationship.  And when we forget to live it, we then start to perceive it, and hence a lot of disillusionment happens!

We are so used to relationship being defined as: “boy meets girl/ girl meets boy or boy meets boy and girl meets girl etc…” The two date for a bit, then fall in love, then have sex. Sometime later they then proceed to get engaged, get a house/apartment, get married, have lots of babies, live happily ever after and die with a million grand kids and great-grand-kids surrounding them, and… with a smile on their face as they go out the door feet first! Or so it has been generally depicted in all these wonderful stories that we hear from most our parents and grandparents. Let’s not forget the social media and Hollywood and other production companies!

N.B The above may not necessarily go in the said outlined order but you get the gist of the fairy tale scenario…

In short we have all been duped! From same sex marriage (not even going there on this post) to happily ever afters and “the one”!

Here’s something I learned recently:

Life isn’t fair – so stop complaining – I tried….it didn’t work. hell I event prayed! It’s as useful as waiting for the rain in a really damned season of drought!

Relationships don’t work how you think they will – stop thinking about the pretty picture you’ve just built for yourself and start living the actual relationship! Be present in the moment! Stop thinking about what a nice rock he/she will put on your finger! Stop thinking about the house and picket fence. Those things, believe it or not, will come naturally if it’s good going!

Don’t preach to your friends on what to do if they have a fight with their significant other- tell them to cool the jets and sort it out! Everything is solvable as long as they talk to each other and if it’s still not cool then maybe they shouldn’t be together…

Rarely few of us can put up our hand and say that we have done it all to try and make it successful… But I can. I tried and tried, and tried, very hard in fact but, the other person didn’t ….and wasn’t prepared to, and didn’t feel like doing because his heart wasn’t in it.  Don’t get me wrong he was in love in a way but, he wasn’t prepared to admit and submit to said love but, I did.  And although he did try his best we just didn’t work out for completely illogical reasons because, other than the above, we were perfect in every way. But we can only take so many punches in life before we can’t take any more shit from anyone else, love or no love! Hell he was nuts for even entertaining me and i was stubborn and determined that he would. But hey, at least we tried 😉 with a lot of persistence!  And that’s what I mean about living the said relationship.

Personally it’s hard for me to even get one!  I run several companies and wok full time every week if not practically every day! Not to mention I’ve kids so….automatically it apparently makes me high maintenance! And yet they have no idea how easy going I am!

Currently most of the time all I really want to do is just go far far away somewhere into hot climates, wear a bikini and just lie on the beach waiting for the proverbial “Adonis” to walk by and say “😏 How you doin?  But then again that wouldn’t work so well either! I wouldn’t bloody see him after that! Call it the holliers nookie so they do!

So I have decided to stop having committed relationships as we perceive them, for a while at least, and start practicing being single and should someone come along… Just be present and enjoy their company, hell get laid if you need to (safely) but, enjoy the company and some different wisdom from all around you, because people rarely tell you things that aren’t worthwhile listening…. Well mostly. Some are just downright BS blowing their own horn! But I’m  sure in time we can distinguish most of them within a 5 minute conversation if not a 5 mile radius! In the meantime I got insight into self-discovery road. And I am going to take that road align it with my current one and hell maybe even enjoy my life! I work hard enough – I should at least take a little for myself 😉

And so should we all methinks!

Ciao!

 

Uncategorized

Pain – The driving force behind living!

Pain is a funny thing. Even when you think you have had enough to claim full immunity… Someone is going to come along and decide otherwise!

Personally Pain is something that I am all too familiar with! We go a loong way back…

It has been my closest friend and my worst enemy. My guiding light and the overbearing darkness… How can it be you will ask…

In the beginning pain is something that we perceive as being unpleasant but, when you get used to it due to it’s annoying nature of re occurrence, it becomes almost like a limb you cannot remove. And whilst it’s absolutely driving you insane and into utter depression it can also enlighten you.  Pain is something that can come along sometimes just to humble us in real life so we don’t get too big a head.  So we don’t forget to remember that we are not supernatural but, rather very much human and fairly tiny considering the grand scheme of things…. ya know?!

There’s the physical Pain – definitely reminds us that we are not made of Steel or Titanium! Rather the mushy soft stuff that has thousands of nerve endings that will tell you – You’re Not Iron Man!!!

There’s the emotional Pain – this type definitely reminds us that we seriously need to be kind to one another or else we shall all become very much like savages from Alien V.S. Predator! Hell even Alien had more emotion and, might I add some courage and class!

Then there’s also the – “Soul Deep Pain”. A type of pain that makes us all confused about who we are, where we’re going and what we’re doing… It’s almost strange… like a stick in the road that punctures our tire and send us off into a free-spin down the ravine!

All three are horrible but SDP just happens to be how I’m feeling right now.

All because of one or two people that decided to be absolute assholes and F*CK You Up Big Time! And I really don’t care how sorry they are, or how messed up the circumstances were! We are human beings and while messing up once in a while is OK, fucking up someones life and destroying their family is so Not!!!

I had my shit together! I knew where I was going and what I was doing and how I was going to get there! But this B**CH comes along and pretends to be your friend and then screws up your and your family’s life just because she was fucking deranged at that moment in time?!

A lot of you might say that i shouldn’t be writing this but, hell i gotta vent somewhere and this is ideal! At least by my standards!

I have had 3 rather strong whiskeys and would rather really go to bed but, before I sign off.

if you do get hurt regardless by who and in what way… take it, accept it and be a better person for it and that’s, how Pain can become your closest fried….

Anyhow that’s just my ramblings…

Uncategorized

Writing This Blog!

Alrighty then! (this probably should be followed by Jim Carrey’s face in Ace Ventura – The Pet detective XD)

So it has been 14 days since my last post… WOW!

You know they never tell you that writing a blog isn’t as easy as it sounds or looks!

In fact it is seriously hard! I mean People!!! What on earth?!

Customize this, widget that, HTML the proverbial C***P out of it! I even got a book…. “How to Blog Made Easy” by Richard N. Williams – I’m sure it’s very helpful when you have the time to read a lot of what looks like CSS code upside down in Arabic…. especially when you have a busy schedule!… That is of course right next to my “Idiots Guide to Organizing your Life” by Cindy Aldred – who, I swear to God, is like Martha Stewart on Speed and Duracell in the world of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder from Hell!

I mean don’t get me wrong! I have OCD!! But… this woman is taking it on to the next level and telling us, the busy moms, and business people that we can do this picture perfect crap ourselves and without professional help. Well WE CAN’T! We need a shrink to make sense of the mess in our brain so we can use it to function in a world filled with human beings that actually live in a de-cluttered but, still somewhat full of stuff, home that they actually love! Whereas I just HATE mine!

I’ve to pick up after mostly all even though my legs barely work. Especially after a full nights work! I mean that’s insane! Never mind laundry that has been piling up on top of the washer (all belonging to me btw) and the bags and bags of proverbial crap that i have to go through and throw out because i probably don’t even need the half of it!

I don’t wanna look like Morticia Adams in the middle of Summer in Black nor do I purposely require the stench of the sweat that will be pouring off of me in said instance!  I’m not even getting into taking out summer stuff to switch with winter crap, that is all over my wardrobe! and guess what?! I have 16 items in said wardrobe that I actually wear too! SO like any good diligent student i read the “Idiots guide” and quite frankly realized, I’m not the idiot, about 3 pages in… she’s the idiot if she thinks that i have time or resources to devote purely to organise the place when: “forgive me dear Cyndy…” you have a screw, in that OCD brain of yours, missing somewhere – however if you do run a “home tidy-up services” and building the wonderful things you have in that book – be my guest I’ll pay you!!!

Then came stereotypical Mills & Boon Novels – Both Sexy, amazing, intriguing and just mouthwatering delicious to read! Word of warning for younger crowd – Judy Devereux is who you want to read as your introduction to dirty books. And if you try it in real life. ..DON’T, it never works out the way you think it will!

And the best after that was, because anyone reading Mills & Boon Novels will concur, the brains turns to mush.  So you need some sharpening of said minf so whip out none other than……..drummmrollll please!  “The Aptitude Test workbooks” with over 400 puzzles and all by a really fucked up genius Saint Jim Barrett, god bless you my friend!

Following which, I then pick up a decent really cool and funny and, most amazing book that is out of this planet, was actually helpful and made me happy!

I introduce to you the one and only Rachel Hoffman! and”Unf*uck Your Habitat” “You’re Better Than Your Mess.” Funny and ludicrously hilarious! The one book that is guaranteed to change your life and if not…. At least entertain you for a long while 😉

 

Lunacy Introductions

Prozac and my other good friends!

So you’re probably wondering why? Why on earth would this be the last day of your life?

Because here we learn some cold hard truth’s about life and many sides of it, happy and sad so if you’re depressed you’re more than welcome to get on Prozac with me and take this happy journey down the rabbit hole! Good thing about Prozac is – you can wet yourself in public and have a full pardon for it too! XD

Another Great thing about Prozac is his teammate diazepam! However if you’re in need for sleep Zipro is your best friend ever! And this is coming from an utterly deranged loon who tried them all, thanks to life and it’s mysterious ways.

Stay Tuned….