So… a long time since I’ve written anything.
I suppose like anyone else i could say “life happened” and “oh well” but, in reality it was simply hard to find the words to put to a single story… so much happened in such a short time.
So I suppose the best thing would be to start from the very beginning.
So as a person I am known to be rather strong, very stubborn and extremely independent. I don’t like it when people tell me what to do because well, I got to this stage just fine on my own thank you very much! I like my freedom and I am NOT made out of FINE GLASS. But everyone had an opinion and everyone decided to impose it upon yours truly. Not share it or offer it like most people do, oh no IMPOSE it upon you so they will!
And over a year ago it just so happened that i met a person. A really nice person with whom I instantly clicked and we became the best of friends. Or so I thought….
Turns out this person while loved our friendship – somehow loved a married man much more than our friendship. Normally you would advise a friend like that not to entertain such thoughts…. Only here’s the thing;
Said friend had her eye on my father. Of which i was certainly not aware of. Had i been aware if this friendship would’ve been immediately terminated. However a few people did notice this and passed a remark or two to my mother who had a discreet conversation with my father to be careful. Do you think the man paid attention to it? Nope.
He dismissed it with a light wave of the hand “nonsense!” he said. And subsequently has progressed to perhaps fall in like with my friend (at this point we became best friends because yours truly was completely blind). Fast forward a month. Early morning and father has not yet returned from work. Mother goes for a trip to find father and conveniently the bastard is having fun with “his daughters best friend”. Queue an early morning call from mother dearest to her daughter with a brief explanation of why she should get out of bed and come see her “best friend and father” together.
Honestly, I was in shock. I dressed quickly and got into my car. Arrived at the destination and had no idea what i was going to find or see. Nor how would i honestly react. I was proud of myself that day. I didn’t scream, I didn’t kill either of them nor did i hit anything. The most hurtful thing was, the pure and raw devastation in my Mothers eyes keenly hidden by a stone cold face. 26 years of marriage down the drain for a “fat ass” as she so elegantly put. And having once trusted someone enough to let them closer than anyone else- I have lost my faith in people, I have buried my father and my best friend in the space of 30 seconds. And for almost 6 months I had to keep a close eye on everything and everyone especially my mother.
On that day she almost lost all sense of self and most importantly sense of why she was even there. And thus i became a therapist and a minder and everything else that was needed. In turn burying all of my feelings deep inside and hoping to fall asleep each night with at least a bottle of fine wine.
I suppose the most disappointing thing was not that a friend betrayed me or that my father was an idiot who destroyed his own family. It was his lack of follow through.
He swore he loved my mother yet, he didn’t grovel nor asked for forgiveness continually. In fact his promise lasted all of 3 weeks and then in his own words: ” I will not be your doormat and i will not do these things because i don’t feel like doing them”. That should’ve been a hint wouldn’t you think? But…. he yet again renewed his promise, to me this time round. To do everything it takes to be a better human being and get his family back. That took a week. He broke his promises easier than he even made them. So how is anyone supposed to trust a man’s word when he won’t even stand by it.
Queue anger. I was angry. so very angry yet i kept it bottled. He continuously insulted me and treated me like it was my fault. Took out his frustrations on me and threatened me. It is really funny though. It wasn’t my D**K doing the deed! I was angry because he kept blaming everything and everyone else but, himself. He broke his promises and just went back to living in his own little made up world where he is the hero and we’re the backstage support. Funnily though i had to look back on the six months previous to the “dirty deed” he blamed mom for their relationship not working. He blamed me for always taking sides. He told my mother “that they will have to see how it all goes and decide if they will stay together” however he stood back and did nothing while she tried in earnest and it was painful to see. My idol and someone who raised me to have a titanium strength backbone with the balls of steel. Was trying in earnest her very best to please a narcissistic bastard. Then came his turn to do something and he did not. He gave up and went back to be the good old asshole he always was. And what angers me the most is his continuous criticism of others when he himself is the one that should look within himself first if he ever expects change.
Thus slowly with that in mind I talked my mother into getting help. Tell your doctor or someone who can give you the right tools. It took an age to convince her that what he did is absolutely no reflection on who she is! She stayed faithful for 26 years and did her very best to keep the bastard happy and somehow he tells her its her fault! After a few months she finally agreed. Told her doctor who immediately assessed her for depression and recommended an excellent therapist. Medication came first and therapy came later. Mom started to get better. I got worse. The moment she said “I’m better now” was the same moment i lost the inner battle. I couldn’t keep the gates shut. I didn’t grieve my loss. I didn’t think of how it affected me and my own relationship. All I did was keep it all down and try to fix a marriage that wasn’t mine to fix.
And all of a sudden it all stopped! I couldn’t keep it in. I wanted to cry all the time, I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t function like a normal human being. I ran on empty for so long that the fuel pump gave up and so did I. “Your daughter is the most amazing selfless human being I have ever encountered. She sacrificed herself so she could save you” words my doctor said to my mother. I didn’t think i deserved such accolade. She’s my mom. She’s the reason I’m alive and it was the least i could do. Nevertheless I plunged into deep depression and started medication myself. Sleep was still nowhere to be found and I slowly started going insane. Queue sleeping medication and dark abyss of nothingness became my temporary escape, albeit with rather not so pleasant side effects. grogginess wasn’t fun and copious amounts of coffee didn’t do my stomach lining any favors nor to my kidneys for that matter. Life was still a huge stressful ball and so was work.
And then there’s my personal relationship. My significant other at the time was trying to be supportive but he was also going through his problems. So i did my best to support him too while shouldering , what seemed like the worlds weight, on my own. Our sex life was almost non existent and whenever something did happen it was not about me but rather all about him. So I grew less and less happy and confident with myself and him. I though i was no longer attractive and that I was not enough. When finally I confided in him how I felt I got very little in response, “sorry” was in there somewhere and “I feel responsible”. Truth is he was. But then so was I. I allowed it to happen.
Two weeks later he calls up to my workplace, on Friday, 2 hours before I am due to start my shift. And before a very busy weekend. just as I am getting ready to kick off the evening he tells me that he “couldn’t wait as it weighed on his mind too much” and “if there’s anyone who can handle it and pull though, it’s YOU”. Yeah way to go darling! Kick a dog while it’s down. At the time when I needed him the most to actually support me maybe. He left me. And that made me bitter and angry.
The only thing that kept going through my mind was that I did my best to be there for him when it was hard and difficult. And he just left when i needed someone to be there and just hug me and tell me it will all be OK. So I did the next best thing. I proceeded to sleep with 3 different guys for the next 3 weeks. I had no feelings, but i needed to finally feel pleasure after getting none. To be taken care of at least for a few hours. And to have someone hold me just for a while. After that I found someone to satisfy my needs and provide companionship. We still talk and I consider him a true friend. But to make things even worse i had to continue seeing my ex on a weekly basis on account that we work together.
I didn’t mind. I did what i had to do and i got through everything i had to. I proceeded to improve physically and emotionally and became a little happier with each day that i made progress. somehow to my ex that translated in some form of attractiveness and it all got very confusing. I found myself back on breakfasts and lunches and whatnot. Then he proposed we should be bed buddies…. dump me, shit on me and then pick me back up like a slipper you forgot. That’s how i felt! But somehow i went with it! Then came the realization that I can’t be back in the same relationship i was in before! I spent most of my adult life with someone and just when i became so so happy being on my own… I was back with someone!!! It’s like a nightmare you cannot wake up from!
Somehow I distanced myself and managed to come up for air. I realized that i will no longer be someone that can entertain a possessive relationship because well, i dealt with those issues with my shrink. I was not going to do things that made me unhappy and i sure as hell was not going to be quiet about it. Queue anger…. Again! I became snappy as hell and frustrated to boot. Then I realized its all my own fault and hence forthwith comes the feeling of foolishness.
How could i fall for someone so deeply and give away so much only to have the same thing happen to me … AGAIN!
It’s one thing when you have a few burns in life and have trepidation combined with cynicism. It’s another when you keep reliving the same nightmare time and time again with a little less of you coming back each time.
And thus is my story so far. I have changed over the last year. More than i ever thought possible. And that brought on the new understanding of what is really important. And that is to be happy with yourself first for only then can you be happy with someone.
Stay tuned for the next one. I promise it’s gonna be a jolly one 😉